


Mourning Periods

by Kizmet



Series: Chasing Ideal [15]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 19:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13464660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kizmet/pseuds/Kizmet
Summary: Tony and his friends remembering J.A.R.V.I.S.





	Mourning Periods

**2015**

The first hours after Ultron’s defeat were consumed by the effort to save lives, to stop the dying. But when night set in the rescue efforts were brought to a halt and the Avengers, minus one, gathered to hold a simple memorial for Pietro Maximoff. 

After it was over James Rhodes excused himself and headed back out to try to find Tony. A week earlier a call to J.A.R.V.I.S. would have told him everything he needed to know but J.A.R.V.I.S. was gone and FRIDAY didn’t know when, or possibly how, to work around Tony’s dictates to keep his friends in the loop without violating privacy. 

While he searched Rhodes called back to the States and asked Pepper to make sure the ‘bots hadn’t been harmed in Ultron’s rampage. He worried because they generally kept an online link to J.A.R.V.I.S. and might have been discovered when the rogue AI went after J.A.R.V.I.S. “They’re alright, frightened but alright,” Pepper reported back less than an hour later. “If I’m interpreting DUM-E correctly some part of J.A.R.V.I.S. escaped Ultron through his connection to them and maintained enough of his parameters to warn them to disconnect completely from the internet. They know what happened. Tony called to check in with them after the fight,” Pepper finished with exasperation. 

Rhodes sighed. Where most people would have considered it impossible that robots like DUM-E, U and Butterfingers could be capable of worry Tony had trouble grasping that his flesh and blood friends might worry about him as well. Several hours later Rhodes finally found Tony calculating the mathematical trajectories of the debris his sensors had recorded flying off during Novi Grad’s destruction and checking the impact sites for additional victims. “You’re still out here?” he asked rhetorically.

“I’ve got enough sensors that the visual spectrum is totally extraneous,” Tony stated. “No reason to stop just because the sun got lazy.”

“Naw, it’s not like you’re human and might make a mistake due to fatigue or anything,” Rhodes said. “Come On Tones, it’s past time to call it a day. Your team had a memorial for the Maximoff boy.”

“And I’m pretty much the last person his sister would have wanted at the funeral,” Tony said. “There was a graveyard in the city,” he remarked absently. “Odds are she can’t even lay him to rest beside their parents.” Then he went back to searching for survivors.

“Tones?” Rhodes asked. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” Tony demanded. “Just because I didn’t crash Maximoff’s funeral, reminding his sister that I outlived him when their whole goal in life was to see me dead... I mean, I may be tactless Platypus but for god’s sake give me a little credit.”

After four days Sokovia was mostly under control and in the hands of professionally trained responders. The surviving government politely but firmly asked the Avengers to leave. The people of Sokovia appreciated their help but they were so closely associated with the tragedy… They’d done enough and it might be easier for Sokovia to heal if they went home.

Wanda glared hatefully at Tony, “Sokovia is my home! But because of him I am exiled,” she exclaimed. “He has taken everything from me.”

“Wanda, I know you’re upset,” Sam Wilson soothed the young woman. “But laying blame won’t fix anything.”

Steve came over to where Tony sat, looking apologetic and ashamed, “Tony, I know it’s not fair asking this, what with you fixing up the compound for us and arranging a visa for Wanda and everything, but she’s been through so much: Pietro, Sokovia, everything. Could you just… Make yourself scare for a little while?”

Tony smiled, sharp and brittle, “Sure why not? I’ve got other houses.” He slammed on his helmet and was out of the plane almost before anyone comprehended what he was going to do. 

Rhodes gave Steve an unimpressed look, “You’re a fucking asshole Rogers.”

“I don’t see how it’s any different than Sokovia asking us to leave,” Steve replied, his expression hardening.

“It’s not your country, you are his team,” Rhodes said.

“It’s her country,” Steve replied. “And we’re her team too.”

“Since when?” Rhodes demanded. “When she was signing on with terrorists? When she joined up with Ultron because HYDRA didn’t pan out? When she figured out that a giant meteor wasn’t going to be good for her health and decided to NOT go through with murder/suicide on a global scale?”

Clint scowled at Rhodes, “She was with us against Ultron, she’s as much an Avenger as any of us.”

Rhodes snorted then took off after his best friend. 

“We’re going to Malibu,” Rhodey informed Tony as soon as he caught up to the other man.

Tony turned toward War Machine questioningly. “When and how exactly did I decide this?” he asked.

“Your bots are there. I talked to Pepper, they’re in a state,” Rhodey said reasonably. Tony sighed, he knew when he was beaten. 

Pepper and Happy were waiting when they arrived in California. “Tony are you okay?” Pepper asked as she wrapped her arms around him the moment he stepped out of the armor.

Tony smiled, bright, blinding and totally fake, “Of course I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” Then he vanished into his lab for three days.

* * *

“You have to stop moping,” Tony informed his bots as he frowned down at the three of them sternly. “J’s gone and that hurts, I know, but if you let people see that they’ll use it against you. They’ll do it again and then we’ll lose someone else. So you gotta- gotta just suck it up. Stark men are iron… er, Ladies too,” he added with a nod toward Butterfingers and FRIDAY’s servers.

“People are that awful Boss?” FRIDAY asked a bit plaintively.

Tony’s eyes widened with alarm. “Not all of them,” he assured her quickly and forcefully. “Never think it’s all of them. And even someone who can be ruthlessly cruel to their enemies might still be loving to their family. Humans aren’t as simple as good or evil, never let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that. But we’ve got more than our share of enemies. If you’re going to find friends you’ve gotta go out there and get close to people, it’s the only way to figure out who’ll stab you in the back and who’ll stand by you.”

“But Boss, that means you’ve gotta let people hurt you,” FRIDAY protested.

“I know baby girl,” Tony sighed, “And it sucks, trust me, I know. But that’s how it is.”

FRIDAY mulled that over.

“You can trust Pepper, Rhodey and Happy,” Tony said after a moment. He thought he should tell her that she could trust the Avengers but couldn’t bring himself to do it. “They might make mistakes, and I certainly make mistakes so you can’t hold that against them, but they won’t betray you.”

“Are you okay?” Pepper asked when Tony finally ventured back out of his lab, claiming he’d run out of coffee.

Tony grinned, it wasn’t exactly a media grin but not truly a real smile either. “I’m fine.”

“It’s okay if you’re not ‘fine’,” Pepper said quietly. “You lost J.A.R.V.I.S.”

“I’m fine,” Tony just repeated.

* * *

“Boss, you’ve got visitors,” FRIDAY warned moments before the door to Tony’s lab slid open. Tony spun around on his chair and watched as Pepper’s feet appeared on the curving, open stair followed by Rhodey’s then Happy’s. 

DUM-E rolled over to investigate but U stayed at his post, holding a piece of a car frame in place for Tony to weld. Building a car from scratch was a make-work project, but physical enough for the bots to assist with the whole thing, Tony thought it was helping settle them into the new reality where there was no J.A.R.V.I.S. and to get used to FRIDAY, it wasn’t her fault that she wasn’t J.A.R.V.I.S. 

U sent a reproachful beep after DUM-E. “Are you being good or a suck up?” Tony asked the bot. Butterfingers’ chime suggested the latter was true and U made a rude noise at her. 

More of Tony’s friends appeared as they continued down the stairs and Tony spotted a bottle under Rhodey’s arm and several tumblers in Pepper’s hands. “This is looking more promising than I expected,” Tony remarked. He grinned a little when he saw that Happy had several bottles of high quality motor oil, whatever the occasion was, the Bots were clearly invited. “What’s up?”

There was a momentary hesitation while the three of them silently argued over who was going to explain. Pepper was apparently the looser because she set down her burden and stepped forward, eyes serious and sad. “We- we thought we should do something. A wake, for J.A.R.V.I.S.”

“Oh,” Tony replied quietly.

“I know it’s not to the same degree but you aren’t the only one who’s going to miss him Tony,” Pepper continued. “We thought, maybe, it’d help if we missed him together for a bit.”

An alarming thought crossed Tony’s mind, “You didn’t tell the team?” he asked.

Rhodes shook his head. “I’m sort of -fed up- with the Avengers right now,” he said. “I figured me, them and alcohol isn’t a good combination at the moment so if they-” he cut himself off. “Screw ‘em. I’m mad at them and you ought to be.”

“‘Kay,” Tony agreed, as long as they hadn’t told the team about this idea of theirs it didn’t really matter why.

“If this is a bad idea…” Pepper trailed off hesitantly.

Tony shook his head. “Hap, help me get the bots ready for their drinks?” he asked. “You too Rhodey. 

“Yeah sure,” Happy agreed. 

“One for each,” Rhodey said. “So who gets who?” U rolled over and butted his claw against Rhodes’ hip in answer. DUM-E chirped at Butterfingers, letting the non-mobile member of the trio have a say then trundled over to Happy. While the three of them drained the bot’s old motor oil, Pepper poured drinks.

There was an awkward period after everyone was settled in but not quite sure how to proceed then Happy said, “I remember back in ‘94 when Tony first brought J.A.R.V.I.S. on line. I’d gotten used to you two,” he nodded towards DUM-E and U. Once a guy thought about it, Tony making himself a pair of R2-D2’s made all sorts of sense really.”

DUM-E squealed indignantly. 

“You’re not better than R2-D2,” Tony told him. “You can’t fly an X-Wing and seventy-four percent of the time when you operate a fire extinguisher nothing’s actually on fire.”

DUM-E blew a raspberry at Tony and Pepper patted his claw, “You’re right, there are plenty of occasions besides fires that call for a fire extinguisher,” she said.

“As I was saying,” Happy cleared his throat. “I was used to this pair but I wasn’t ready for someone like J.A.R.V.I.S. Full of questions he was, stuff I’d never even thought of myself, let alone expected an AI to be wondering about. Poor fella wanted to make sense of us humans.”

Pepper chuckled, “I think it was ‘97 when he gave up on that and decided he’d just be fondly amused by us.”

“Yeah,” Tony smiled. “I remember that, that was when I knew I’d gotten his coding right. Jarvis, the original one, generally looked at me that way.” It occurred to Tony that that had been the part of Jarvis that he’d never been able to get over losing, having someone in his life who didn’t need to understand him to love him. 

They talked for hours. 

While Happy accompanied Tony on one of the trips to the liquor cabinet upstairs to restock he asked, “Why didn’t you want your team invited.”

Tony shrugged with the careless looseness induced by almost drunkenness. “Maximoff’s brother died during the fight. Asking them to something like this? They would have taken it wrong.”

“Over a year of living with you and J.A.R.V.I.S. and they still hadn’t gotten that he was a person in every way that counts?” Happy shook his head, “No wonder Rhodey’s pissed. We’ve been trusting morons to watch your back.”

A bark of laughter escaped Tony. “Naw it’s not like that,” he deferred. “Just…” He trailed off trying to think of a different explanation. “Wanda never met J.A.R.V.I.S., she’d take it wrong and the rest of ‘em would be on my case for being insensitive. She’d been through a hell of a lot.”

Happy’s frown said, _‘And you haven’t?’_ but to Tony’s relief he let it drop. 

That night. After Rhodes and Happy had gone home. After Tony and Pepper had picked up the mess with help from DUM-E and U. While Tony lay in bed waiting for Pepper to fall asleep. He decided that he was glad they’d done it. 

When Pepper’s soft little snores signaled that she wouldn’t wake easily Tony knew he should roll out of bed and head back downstairs to work or to try to get some sleep on the couch. His nightmares had returned with a vengeance and even though he’d taken precautions to ensure that he’d never call one of his armors for a nightmare again he still didn’t dare sleep beside Pepper. Even without the suit he knew he might hurt her if he lashed out in the grip of a terror.

Tony knew he should get up before he actually fell asleep but the wake had loosened something in his chest and instead of getting up he rolled over and buried his face in the bedding beside Pepper’s shoulder and sobbed, muffling the sound against the sheets, taking comfort from Pepper’s sleeping presence.

* * *

**2018**

“My friends, my real friends held a wake for J.A.R.V.I.S.,” Tony told Loki one night when both of them would have gladly chosen torture over sleep. “Not just because of what he’d meant to me but because, when J.A.R.V.I.S. was around you couldn’t spend any significant time with me without spending time with J. He might have been my plus one but my real friends got to know him for himself. After Ultron murdered him they missed him too.”

“But?” Loki asked, never one to miss what went unspoken. 

Tony hesitated. Finally, with a look of shame, he admitted, “As much as J’s death tore me to shreds, he wasn’t the only one I was mourning. Ultron was an evil little shit who needed to be put down… He was still mine.”

“I have told you this before: You should not blame yourself for what Ultron became,” Loki sighed.

Tony shrugged, “I suppose that’s what they tell the parents of school shooters: There were environmental factors, I wasn’t the only one involved in his creations, etc. He was still mine.” Then he looked up at Loki, eyes dark with frustration and impatience.

Loki’s jaw dropped, shocked that he’d somehow missed this facet of his Midgardian.

Tony smiled coldly, “I figured you’d get it,” he said. “People can be so stupid that you don’t just wonder how they manage to survive but you think it’s gotta be some sort of cosmic joke: That we survive because whatever gods exist keep us around for the amusement they get from watching us flail. 

“Long before Iron Man there would be times when I’d look around me and all I’d see where lemmings marching towards a cliff. I’d see people clinging to old ideas like they were a lifesaver when, in reality, they were the cement boots dragging them under. And I’d want to do something, anything to make them see… Then I’d realize that there was nothing I could do. So, hell with it, party ‘til the world ends ‘cause no one can save it anyway, it doesn’t want saving.

“Lucky for the world, I didn’t get the motivation to invent my way into superpowers until after I’d outgrown being that anti-social fourteen-year-old kid who looked at the world and wanted a quick fix. Who looked at humanity in all it’s fucked up glory and said, ‘When a bone heals wrong, you re-break it… And dynamite is a great way to clear out a decrepit, out-dated structure so you can rebuild fresh.’ It wasn’t just Ultron’s occasional turn of phrase,” Tony said. “I knew where he was coming from. Because he was where I was heading before Rhodey found me: Angry, alienated, too young, too smart and with no safe place left to retreat to… The human Jarvis died shortly after I graduated high school. A father I only fought with and a mother who wasn’t strong enough to bridge the gap between us, as much as she wanted to. Ultron was that kid, except with all the power I didn’t have back then.

“Without Wanda’s powers kicking my fears into high gear I wouldn’t have risked the sort of shortcuts that I took to get something useful out of the scepter in three days. Maybe if I’d had any hope of having my fears taken seriously by my team I would have been able to handle being thrown head first into them more gracefully. Maybe without the scepter Ultron wouldn’t have been able to advance so quickly, so quickly no one could correct him before the flaws were fatal. Maybe I couldn’t have made Ultron without Bruce… But, at the end of the day, I could hear myself in him… Maybe it wasn’t the parts of myself that I like or encourage. But it, he still came from me. And I killed him.”

“You- You mourn him,” Loki sounded startled. Then, as if revealing a secret. “I- I think Odin mourned when he heard that I’d died. I don’t understand why.”

“You can be a fucking poor excuse for a father and still not want your kid dead,” Tony said flatly. “And nothing says ‘you screwed up’ like a dead kid, especially if they’re yours. That’s why all the mitigating factors in the world don’t erase the guilt. For J, and for Ultron, I should have found a better way.”


End file.
